Would you please critique the beginning 3 paragraphs to my horror story?
Kyle carefully stepped towards the dollhouse. His turquoise eyes were wide and frozen with fear; yet he fought away the urge to turn back. He had to know if the transparent girl wandering around the the many dollhouse rooms was the girl who’d continually plagued his nightmares since he’d moved into the derelict mansion. He needed reassurance over his sanity, for lately he’d questioned it with each sunrise.
The girl had her back turned to him, though he recognized the solemn, haunting tune she hummed from his dreams. It was her. He was certain of it. Her wild brunette hair and moth eaten white dress matched the description of his unwanted tormentor.
He guessed the dress to be Victorian era, maybe the early 1880′s. But with coverings of blood splattered across the material, he couldn’t be positive.
Finally he stopped, almost an inch away. Once he’d looked into her colorless eyes, he’d be satisfied that he wasn’t going crazy.
That’s four 
- This sentence: ‘He had to know if the transparent girl wandering around the the many dollhouse rooms was the girl who’d continually plagued his nightmares since he’d moved into the derelict mansion.’ You put ‘the’ twice in a row, and I think you have to split this up somehow. It is a bit of a mouthful of a sentence with no commas.
- ‘He guessed the dress to be Victorian era’ should be ‘from the’ or ‘of the Victorian era’. This bit does not work on its own.
- ‘maybe the early 1880′s’. What belongs to the 1880s ?
- ‘coverings of blood’ does not work. Change ‘coverings’.
- This may be personal opinion but I don’t like it when ‘he’d’ is used when not in dialogue in the novel. Put ‘he had/would’ instead.
I like it. There might be places where you have to ‘show, not tell’ here but there’s not a lot..
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