Will you critique this poem honestly?
The darkness and the rain were appropriate for the gloom
The red strobe lights adorning the emergency vehicles
seemed to reach for the souls of the onlookers
She lay on the ground, as if some demented child
had tried to bend a Barbie doll in all the wrong places…
Yet the look of peace on her face, revealed no clues
of the horror she had suffered……
Her mouth did not contain the screams she had made,
only the darkness knew the direction of the winds
that carried her last breath away.
Here she was outlined in chalk…. as if making a mockery
of the snow angel on concrete, but again the angels were wrong….
She had come face to face with a monster….
Someone said, I heard the screams….
Someone said, She was around here every night….. a working girl…
A whore…..
Yet what this person was and will always be….. is….
Someone’s child….
Hello Semper,
I think this is a good poem (it does stradle the line of descriptive prose and a little cutting could help bring it more into line).
Comments below:
The darkness and the rain were appropriate for the gloom
The red strobe lights adorning the emergency vehicles
seemed to reach for the souls of the onlookers
I found these lines a little too static to bring me in. I think you may want to consider cutting them and leading in with L4.
She lay on the ground, as if some demented child
had tried to bend a Barbie doll in all the wrong places…
Strong lines. This is where the poem seems to start for me.
Yet the look of peace on her face, revealed no clues
of the horror she had suffered……
Too telling with “the horror she had suffered” I think you could actually cut those lines without sacrificing anything.
Her mouth did not contain the screams she had made,
only the darkness knew the direction of the winds
that carried her last breath away.
I loved those lines.
Here she was outlined in chalk…. as if making a mockery
of the snow angel on concrete, but again the angels were wrong….
This would be stronger with some cutting. Maybe:
outlined in chalk…. a mockery of the snow
angel on concrete, but again the angels were wrong….
I like the break between snow angel and I like it as a metaphor rather than a simile. The snow angel idea is quite good.
She had come face to face with a monster….
I would cut this also. I wouldn’t lead the reader with that line.
Someone said, I heard the screams….
Someone said, She was around here every night….. a working girl…
A whore…..
Yet what this person was and will always be….. is….
Someone’s child….
This is an interesting sequence. I’m going to give you an other option below. I wasn’t really satisfied with Someone’s child at the end it felt too pat to me (could be just me). You could always just call the poem “Someone’s Child” and get maybe a stronger impact.
Okay to the option:
Someone said, I heard the screams….
Someone said, a working girl…
….a whore
Another possibility though it changes the poem quite a bit is to end on the line “but again the angels were wrong”
There’s a lot to work with here, and I do like it. Again, if these comments are too far away from your vision of the poem please disregard them.
All my best,
Todd
