I’m writing an essay and I need help. Please. =]?
My essay is about how almost everyone is the same in society and hardly anyone is original. So far, this is my introduction:
Robots to Society
I started out my freshman year nervous. I wanted to fit in and be just like everyone else. As I walk in on the first day, I look around and see that everyone looks the same; pretty faces, tight name-brand clothes, and straight hair. Everyone tries to live up to society’s expectations, which are completely fake and Hollywoodized. Matthew Leone of Madina Lake sums it up best when he said, “Society has become a celebrity and it is such an ugly face.” Society pushes gorgeous celebrities upon us all the time, making those who do not look like orange Barbie dolls feel inferior. Those Barbies may be pretty on the outside but their insides are hollow. It does not matter who you are, everyone wants to be accepted; even Barbies.
How does it sound?
You need to make your opening sentences longer. When I first started writing essays, I wrote very short sentences like yourself because I thought they would have more impact but it looks rather amateur and if you have longer sentences, then it appears more professional. You should open maybe with a quote because that always gets me good marks in an essay and never use made up words like “Hollywoodized”. I know what you are trying to say but it’s a made up word and it doesn’t look very intelligent. Go to your thesaurus and find the right words you need. Other than that, your essay is fine. Good luck!
